Thursday Thoughts.

This post may be kinda all over the place.. Smile Please forgive me!

 

First, I’m just going to put this out there.

Andrew & I are taking a break. We have been for about a month now. We are broken up, I guess, officially, after 3 and a half years of being together. It was a mutual agreement. We just decided we didn’t want the stress of a relationship anymore. We still have been talking, and we don’t have any grudges. It’s just a life change. I’m independent for the first time in a long time and… it doesn’t feel that different. I guess that shows that the relationship needed to end. It’s a change, but I’m okay. It’s better this way.

One more thing- I decided not to do marching band this year. I had too much on my plate. I finally decided that putting my mental health first was my priority. I will miss marching band, but I need down time in my life to function and to be happy.

 

I am running again, after a month off! Summer running started Monday. Man, my body needs time to adjust to the humidity. It’s been a rough couple of days.

BUUUTTT today we had the mile threshold test. I didn’t PR, but we weren’t expected to (nobody did!). However, I did finish the mile in 7:10, running faster than girls who have PRs under 6:30!!

Food is making me stronger, now slower. I needed to see this.

I am so thankful for the amazing team I have. Both my therapist and my dietitian have really helped me. I had no idea I could be this much better. Last night, my dietitian talked with me on the phone for over an hour. I am so blessed!!

Question- How do you know when your running shoes are worn out? I think I may need new ones, but I didn’t track miles on mine.

 

What changes have you made in your life lately?

What quotes keep you going?

How do you prioritize your happiness?

Red heartEmily

New Beginnings.

TW: I talk about ED & numbers in this post.

Lately, I have been busy.

My last post was in April.

Why have I been so busy?
Well, first of all, I got a job at a Frozen Yogurt shop.

Obviously school is always busy especially when combined with track.

Yeah, I had AP tests last week.

I turned seventeen.

But these are just little things. The reason I have REALLY been busy?

I’ve been busy counting every calorie I eat. Myfitnesspal is probably the most used app on my iphone.

 

I’ve been busy planning and criticizing and worrying about what to eat and when to eat it and exactly how much to eat.

I’ve been stepping on the scale and trying to figure out the next trick I can use to lower the number. Double digits. Double digits.

I’ve been stalking recovery instagrams just looking at all the food that people can eat. But not me. Other people. I find joy in other people’s food.

I’ve been eating mints and chewing gum. Lots of it.

I’ve been following rules.

I’ve been pushing off meals. Breakfast? Let me get some stuff done first. Oh, now it’s late, I might as well wait for lunch. Or let me use the computer at lunch and eat my lunch as an afternoon snack. Or a dinner. And meals? Not balanced. At all. Healthy fats are nonexistent. Do you even know how many calories are in that?

I’ve been lowering my insulin so that my blood sugar doesn’t dip. I can manipulate the system. Diabetes is the perfect excuse to not eat anything.

I’ve been struggling. I’ve fallen deep into the traps of an eating disorder. I knew it. I know it. But I was too scared to really ask for any help.

Finally after a few doctor’s suggestions and breaking down in front of my mom, she called a dietitian and a therapist.

I’ve seen the dietitian twice now and I’m in the process of finding a counselor I like.

The dietitian says I can either work with her or I can choose inpatient (or some kind of intensive program).

I don’t want to keep living this “life.” It’s not life if you have pushed all your friends away, find yourself worried about everything, and feel isolated and depressed. I don’t want this.

 

This terrifies me. I can’t believe I’m one of “those girls.” I can’t REALLY be anorexic if I haven’t ever fasted and I eat at least 400 calories every day and I still weigh over 100 pounds and sometimes I eat samples of yogurt at work. Anorexics count the calories in vitamins. I don’t do that.

I need to accept that I am struggling with anorexia. I need to accept that at 5’6”, I cannot weigh under 100 pounds. I need to accept that I can choose recovery even if I never got to that magic 99 number. I need to accept that this is what’s best for me. I need to be strong. I need to choose recovery. Today I choose recovery for my mom.

 

On instagram (@smilemilegirl or #emsrecovery), I shared that I started recovery on 4/29/14. I feel like I am starting today as well. One step forward two steps back, but slowly and surely I will get there. Thank you for reading. In the coming weeks I will be trying my best to blog about recovery. Wish me luck.

 

Red heartEmily

Just another label.

Today I was 100% honest with myself and with the professionals I talked to. Today I was diagnosed with anorexia.

I’m going to start fresh. I’m going to challenge myself to eat foods I’m afraid of. I want to dig myself out of this hole before I fall any further.

The dietitian is worried I have female athlete triad. We will see when I get my blood work done.

I just wanted to be healthy. Somehow it spiraled out of control. Healthy can include desserts (not just an occasional healthy one I have carefully calculated the calories for). So this is my fresh start. I’m going to find that balance.

What else did I do today? I had a beautiful 6ish mile long run this morning. Weather in the 30’s?? Yes please. 20s are too cold. 30s feel comfortable. Smile

I also got to go shopping with my dad and my sister. I hadn’t seen my dad for two weeks so it was pretty nice. He brought me my favorite magazine!! Open-mouthed smile

That’s all for today. I just had to get that off my chest.

 

Red heartEmily