Scales are for Fishes

Daily reason to recover: For my amazing Aunt Kathie.

Current Phone Background:

 

 

@Webiteback has been my biggest motivator lately. I love the little sayings. This one is especially relevant in my life right now.

Side note: I find it really weird that people, myself included personify their eating disorder. Why do I do this? It’s not my original idea, but part of the culture of recovery. It truly does help to separate myself from my eating disordered thoughts. I don’t have a split personality, it just helps me to create a clear distinction between who I am and my feelings and the eating disorder I am facing.

Potential TW, I discuss calorie consumption in this post.

 

XXX pounds is where it started.

 

Getting to XXX, goal weight #1, was easy.  A few healthy swaps. No sacrificing dessert. More veggies. More running.

 

XXX to XXX was a long journey. This is where things went wrong. I started cutting things out of my diet, drastically. I did gluten free and dabbed in paleo and did the 21 day sugar detox. I gained weight, lost it, and gained again. I discovered that MyFitnessPal could make this easy. Calories in, calories out. I start counting calories. The number I let myself hit goes down to 1200.

XXX was the next goal weight. People started to get nervous. I saw a dietitian. I opened up. She wasn’t much help, and didn’t recognize my eating disorder. She even further pushed me into the disorder by suggesting my blood sugars weren’t good enough and the protein bars I ate had too much added sugar. She just wanted me to add healthy fats like “eating a spoonful of coconut oil”. She told me I looked too thin. Then she told me I looked better after a week, even though I had lost weight. She made me swap my whey protein with vegan alternatives. Now my chocolate protein powder tastes like peas.

At this point I started eating over 1,500 calories a day. Sometimes I would hit 1,800! My dietitian had helped temporarily.

 

Then I went on vacation. I ate like a pretty normal, healthy person. I had Ted Drews frozen custard (kids size, but still!) snacked on peanuts and split a steak. It was delicious. I felt normal. Guilt was there, yes, but I felt normal. It was around this time that I broke 7:00 in the mile. I was doing pretty good.

 

Suddenly it all came crashing down. I can’t say what happened. I just became consumed with my disordered thoughts. My life’s purpose became not to eat. I wouldn’t eat above 1,000 calories a day. I would skip whatever meals I could. Some days I ate 800 calories. Some days it was 600, or 400, 250. At this point I was running an average of 4 miles a day, with speedwork some days and weight lifting some days. Running was my outlet. I didn’t have to worry about food for those 40 minutes. It was amazing. I felt slow and exhausted, but I still did it, not because I had to but because I wanted to.

 

At this point I pushed away a lot of friends. I won’t go into details about that today.

 

I knew I wasn’t fat. I knew I was losing weight. I knew my weight was low and I wasn’t allowed to lose any more. But I had to. I can’t describe it. Some days, I still feel like this, to be totally honest.

 

When I first started recovery I didn’t think I deserved it because my weight wasn’t yet in the double digits. I weighed XXX pounds. As of two weeks ago, I was in the double digits. XX.

And it hit me.

It will never be good enough.

It will always be “too much”. Too many calories eaten, too many pounds. I can’t win when ED controls my brain like this.

Nobody cares about these numbers except ED. So I deleted them from this post. They are irrelevant.

 

My mom took away my scale. (actually a wii fit since we don’t own a scale..) It’s time to let go and trust the process.

 

Yesterday I felt like myself for the first time in months. What I ate doesn’t really matter, but I ate a LOT. I ate carbs and fat like a NORMAL PERSON. I struggled with guilt but it was delicious. I let myself enjoy it.  My aunt is here from California and she has been so supportive thus far. I am so thankful for her. She gave me strength to power through yesterday.

 

I’m going to fight to make this week a good one, just like yesterday. Thanks for reading. Please don’t feel obligated to comment- I’m blogging for my personal therapy- but I love hearing from you if you have any advice or stories to share!! ❤

 

Red heartEmily

 

Pictures from Pinterest

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New Beginnings.

TW: I talk about ED & numbers in this post.

Lately, I have been busy.

My last post was in April.

Why have I been so busy?
Well, first of all, I got a job at a Frozen Yogurt shop.

Obviously school is always busy especially when combined with track.

Yeah, I had AP tests last week.

I turned seventeen.

But these are just little things. The reason I have REALLY been busy?

I’ve been busy counting every calorie I eat. Myfitnesspal is probably the most used app on my iphone.

 

I’ve been busy planning and criticizing and worrying about what to eat and when to eat it and exactly how much to eat.

I’ve been stepping on the scale and trying to figure out the next trick I can use to lower the number. Double digits. Double digits.

I’ve been stalking recovery instagrams just looking at all the food that people can eat. But not me. Other people. I find joy in other people’s food.

I’ve been eating mints and chewing gum. Lots of it.

I’ve been following rules.

I’ve been pushing off meals. Breakfast? Let me get some stuff done first. Oh, now it’s late, I might as well wait for lunch. Or let me use the computer at lunch and eat my lunch as an afternoon snack. Or a dinner. And meals? Not balanced. At all. Healthy fats are nonexistent. Do you even know how many calories are in that?

I’ve been lowering my insulin so that my blood sugar doesn’t dip. I can manipulate the system. Diabetes is the perfect excuse to not eat anything.

I’ve been struggling. I’ve fallen deep into the traps of an eating disorder. I knew it. I know it. But I was too scared to really ask for any help.

Finally after a few doctor’s suggestions and breaking down in front of my mom, she called a dietitian and a therapist.

I’ve seen the dietitian twice now and I’m in the process of finding a counselor I like.

The dietitian says I can either work with her or I can choose inpatient (or some kind of intensive program).

I don’t want to keep living this “life.” It’s not life if you have pushed all your friends away, find yourself worried about everything, and feel isolated and depressed. I don’t want this.

 

This terrifies me. I can’t believe I’m one of “those girls.” I can’t REALLY be anorexic if I haven’t ever fasted and I eat at least 400 calories every day and I still weigh over 100 pounds and sometimes I eat samples of yogurt at work. Anorexics count the calories in vitamins. I don’t do that.

I need to accept that I am struggling with anorexia. I need to accept that at 5’6”, I cannot weigh under 100 pounds. I need to accept that I can choose recovery even if I never got to that magic 99 number. I need to accept that this is what’s best for me. I need to be strong. I need to choose recovery. Today I choose recovery for my mom.

 

On instagram (@smilemilegirl or #emsrecovery), I shared that I started recovery on 4/29/14. I feel like I am starting today as well. One step forward two steps back, but slowly and surely I will get there. Thank you for reading. In the coming weeks I will be trying my best to blog about recovery. Wish me luck.

 

Red heartEmily

April Goals

Hello everyone. I’ve been kind of nonexistent in the blog world. I’ve just had a lot going on in life! I’m not sure I’m in too great of a place right now, and I need to figure a few things out.

 

Let’s look at what I wanted to do in March.

1. Break 7:30 in the mile.

2. Actually go to a Yoga class

3. Focus on loving myself. This means less calorie counting, more acceptance, making sleep a higher priority, and practicing yoga!

 

1. & 2. were checked off my list. I talked about them in my last post! Smile

but 3? Oh 3. Not so much. I was doing really well at the point I got that mile time earlier in March. But somehow things took a turn for the worst.

 

 

In April, my goal is simply to love myself. I have other things I want too, like keeping up my 4.0 and breaking 6:45 in the mile, etc, but I know that right now I just need to focus on me.

To me, that means the same as it did earlier: but a big emphasis on the food part. I need to get to an okay place with food, and stress less.

 

 

Other random news?

I visited St. Louis over break!

 

I went to SLU and didn’t care for it, and then I visited Truman State and LOVED IT (even though I would need to be much much faster to run on their team). They have an awesome Communication Sciences & Disorders department with a brand new clinic and a therapy dog!! Smile Later I visited Augustana and didn’t care for it. I think every Junior in America went on college visits over break, haha Smile 

 

I sprained my toe. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds. A 10 pound weight fell on my toe and… yeah. No running until Tuesday for me.

Picture of my socked feet because toes are ugly & gross.

 

I was SO lucky and I won Sunnie’s giveaway. Check out these GORGEOUS hoop earrings!!! I’m in love!! Thank you SO SO SO much Sunnie!!

I may have gotten a job at a new Frozen Yogurt place opening near my house. I got the callback interview and it went pretty well.. I think! I should get a call this weekend. Honestly the idea of a job really stresses me out but this would be the perfect job for me so I’m hoping for the best!!

 

Aaaand I already miss running. I’m just glad it’s only four days.

P.S. I am secretly in love with this tattoo I saw on Instagram the other day.

 

 

What are your April goals? How did you find a healthy balance with food and weight?

Have you ever been to Saint Louis? What were the deciding factors during your college search- or are you searching like I am?

What was your first job?

Do you want/have any tattoos?

 

Red heartEmily

Fabulous Friday

Happy Friday!!! We did it weekendspringhappiness WHEE!

As far as running, the last two weeks have been life changing.

I am starting to really get faster. I’m becoming the strong runner I’ve always dreamed of being. I am so happy and so proud.

 

Fabulous is…. Breaking that goal. Last Wednesday I had my meet. THAT meet. My secret goal was to break 7:00. I was afraid to type it because I didn’t know I could do it. But I figured out what each of my laps had to be, and gave the times to a lovely teammate who told me when I was ahead, on track, and when I needed to pick it up. My coach was well aware of my goal and definitely said the right things at the right time.

Capture

I did it. My first official mile. 6:53.3.

 

I almost cried as soon as I finished. Partly because I wanted to throw up, but partly because I was proud. I had pushed myself more than I ever have before, physically and mentally. All my efforts thus far paid off. And you know what? That was my FIRST (official track) mile time. I’m only going to get better from there.

P.S. I was last in my race, yet I think I was the happiest at the finish line. Everyone has their own goals and dreams.

 

Fabulous is….a few pretty freaking awesome long runs. Last Saturday we did 5 miles, pretty fast (under 10:00 pace) and it was sunny and GORGEOUS. The varsity and frosh/soph girls were at a meet, so it was just the JV team and the slower underclassmen, but it was amazing and we got Panera afterwards. Smile

Not my picture, but I got the breakfast power bowl. It was delicious!

 

Fabulous is…. Butt-Kicking workouts- that actually went really well. Recently we did 1,000 repeats, 200 repeats, and a tempo run. I love 200m repeats because I was the fastest in my little group of runners. It was nice to be leading the pack instead of being the end! I like to switch things up Winking smile 

 

Fabulous is…. being named Athlete of the Week!! It’s just the 2nd week that they’ve named an athlete and I seriously almost cried when they named ME!! I know I’m not the fastest but I can’t believe they notice how hard I’ve worked and I guess I’ve been a positive influence on the team and stuff. Look, I got a sparkly poster!!! Star

Fabulous is…. IMAGINE DRAGONS CONCERT. nuff said.

 

Fabulous is…. my new & improved GPA. I retook a math class after freshmen year (I was 2 years ahead and shouldn’t have been!) and my counselor just told me that they could drop the credit. Goodbye unweighted C!! Now my cumulative is 4.0. That just sounds a million times better than 3.85, even though it’s a pretty small difference. I just have one more quarter left before I apply to colleges- scary!- so that will really help me out.

Fabulous is… YOGA CLASS! I finally (and I mean FINALLY) checked off that goal to attend a Yoga class. I got 15 classes for 50 dollars at the local studio my friend loves. Thank you, Groupon! Normally the classes are 10 dollars. I tried my first one on Sunday. Man, it was tough. My legs were shaking so much!! It was 75 minutes long and it was pretty vigorous. I loved it though. The room was hot, the teacher (a guy) was so accepting and helpful and positive, and I left the studio feeling accomplished and happy. I loved it and I’ll be going back.  I think Andrew is going to be the best boyfriend ever and come with me this week!

This is in the yoga studio Smile

Fabulous is… Spring. Happy Spring!! Red rose Maybe it’ll be warm now. Yesterday morning it snowed. My mom said “Maybe mother nature is going through menopause, but like backwards, with cold flashes instead of hot flashes.”

Hehe. Today is warm though and I am going to run in shorts and it is going to be the best thing ever.

What fabulosity did YOUR week consist of? Smile

Did you celebrate the first day of spring?

Smashed any goals recently?

Are you going to see Divergent when it comes out? (I hope I am!!)

Have a WONDERFUL WEEKEND-

Red heartEmily

Monday Miles #5

Happy Monday!!

Despite the Spring Forward time change, I actually had a pretty great Monday.

Until a doctor’s appointment and some other triggering stuff but let’s not focus on the bad. Smile

Yay!! Time for….

Thanks Liz Smile you’re the bomb.com! but actually www.carpediemandrun.blogspot.com, which is better.

Last week’s workouts:

Monday: 41 minutes, 4.24 miles total, 2.2 at tempo. Pretty decent run to start off the week. We also did 4x 250m strides and weight lifting.

Tuesday: 56 minutes, 5.37 miles. A beautiful longer run! Smile + 10 minutes of abs and 4x 60m Strides

Wednesday: Workout- 1 lap track repeats- I loved this one because I’m pretty fast at these and I beat coach’s recommended times EVERY time. Open-mouthed smile + Weight lifting (upped the weights and felt it the next day!)

Thursday: ~56 minutes, 5.5ish miles. Satellite finding probs. + Core

Friday:  Easy run!! 30 minutes easy (ended up being like 3.4 miles and 36 minutes, oops!) and 4x 200m strides.

Saturday: 58 minutes, 5.57 miles. This was a trek, not a run. There was a ton of snow and ice on the route (we were supposed to do 6 but had to modify the route). Also my blood sugar kept going low so I had to walk a few times to eat a fruit leather. twice. My stomach didn’t like that. Oh well, it was a good long run with a great friend! We did 6 minutes of core and deeeeepppp stretching after.

Sunday: Rest! (duh). I did 10 minutes of yoga.

Mileage: right around 28 miles- Wowza!

Reflection: This was a crazy week as far as running- that milage!! I am so proud of it though, and especially of my paces on some of those long runs. A few months ago I couldn’t keep up a 10:20 pace for 3 miles and now I can do it for 5.5 in bad conditions. I know I’m not fast but at least I’m getting faster Winking smile My feet are tired though!

This week’s workouts:

Today: Rest day. Yes, two rest days in a row. No, I don’t care. I’ll probably do a quick yoga routine before I go to bed though. Smile

Tuesday: Practice (easy run!)

Wednesday: JV invite. I am running the mile. I’m going for my March Goal here Winking smile

Thursday-Saturday: Whatever coach says! Smile

Goal: Break 8:00 in the mile!! <—Secretly I really want to break 7:00 but I’m terrified of saying that and not being able to do it.

Here goes nothing… Break 7:00 in the mile!!

How were your miles this week?

Do you have any running goals?

What do you do for tired feet?

 

Red heartEmily

P.S. Imagine Dragons is Thursday. I AM SO PUMPED.

Fabulous Friday

 

Happy FRIDAY!! Cheers to the weekend. Smile

My week has been all sorts of fabulous.

 

Fabulous is…. Long(er), speedier runs.

+1 mile warm up. (My garmin didn’t find the satellite very quickly, haha!)

+1.2 miles. My garmin really didn’t want to connect yesterday! Our first mile was super fast too, so our average pace was really closer to 10:10. I think that run really shows my improvement! It felt awesome. Smile

Fabulous is… This weather. Seriously, anything above freezing feels like a heat stroke. I just wore a long sleeve for running today, no jacket, and I got so hot I had to take off my head wrap and gloves off. This picture is a lie: It was actually really sunny today. I just forgot to snap a screenshot of the weather until now.

Look at those high numbers next week. I AM SO EXCITED.

Fabulous is… Quality time with Andrew.

Today I helped him practice for his solo competition tomorrow (he is going to do GREAT! he sounds wonderful!) and then we went out to our favorite little burger place. I ATE SOME OF HIS FRIES. AND A CHICKEN SANDWICH ON A BUN (!!) WITH PESTO (!!) and it was totally delicious and worth it. ED didn’t ruin our date night. Noopppeee.

Fabulous is… Spaghetti Squash & Quest bars. AKA my latest obsessions.

How do you make spaghetti squash? I’ve found the quickest, easiest way is to poke some holes in it, stick the whole thing in the microwave for about 8 minutes (flipping halfway through), and then scooping the guts out.

I like to bake my quest bars.

I think these are my two favorite flavors. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Cookies & Cream. What can I say, I’m a cookie lover Winking smile

For those of you that bake them, what do you bake them on?? They always get stuck to the foil for me!

 

5. I’ve been experimenting with making my own protein bars for pre-run fuel. Protein bars can get expensive!

I think I’ve finally perfected the recipe. Winking smile

Not the prettiest, but tasty, I promise!

I modified this recipe from the amazing Sunnie who blogs over at Modern Girl Nutrition. Thank you for the inspiration, Sunnie!

Sugar Cookie Dough Protein Bars

Ingredients:

Old Fashioned Oats 1/4 cup dry – Ground up into a flour using a Food Processor

Rice Chex Cereal, 1 cup- Also ground up into a flour/ powder using a Food Processor

Protein Powder (I used Now Pea Protein – Vanilla Toffee)  2 scoops

Unsweetened Almond Milk, 1/4 Cup

Vanilla Extract, 1 Tsp

Cinnamon (to taste)

Organic Creamy Salted Peanut Butter, 5 Tbsp

Agave, 2 Tbsp

Stevia to taste

hint: make sure you use a delicious flavored protein powder!!

 

Directions:

Use a food processor to grind up your oats and Chex mix. Add the other ingredients and mix well. Hopefully it will form a dough-like consistancy. If it seems dry, add water or more almond milk until it forms a cookie dough consistency.

Flatten into a tupperware. Freeze for a few hours or overnight.

Cut into 6 bars. I then wrap the bars in tin foil and freeze them individually! I take them with me to school and they thaw by lunch. I eat them around 3.

Nutrition:

180 calories per bar, with 13 g Protein and 17 g Carbs

Enjoy. If you like cookie dough you will LOVE these. Feel free to tweak the recipe to your heart’s content!! Smile

 

What was fabulous about your Friday?

Red heartEmily

March 2014

Hello and happy almost Friday!! Smile I hope you are having a fabulous week.

I don’t know about you, but for me February FLEW by. March totally snuck up on me, so this post is definitely late, but better late than never right? Winking smile

Let’s recap last month. These were my goals.

1. Break 8:00 in the mile. I only have one time recorded for the mile- and it was a downhill mile right after cross country season. I got 6:57 in that. I really think I can break 8:00 on the track, as long as I keep doing the workouts and putting my all into practice every day.

The time trial ended up being 3/4 of a mile. I have yet to run a timed mile in track. Wowza. How did that happen?? I have a 400 time, an 800 time and a 3200 time but no 1600….. Hopefully my coach puts me in the mile soon. I need a time!!

2. Take a yoga class.

I didn’t do this. I had leadership training for the Snowball event all of February so I couldn’t make it to the class. Also, my sister has confirmation on Wednesdays, when the class I want to take happens, so it’s pretty hard to coordinate me going. Sad smile But essentially these are just excuses. I DID continue to practice yoga at home through videos, but I didn’t end up taking any classes last month.

3. Practice oboe for at least a half hour 3 times a week.

Sadly, this one was a no-go. I’m ashamed that I didn’t make the time and my audition showed it- it went very badly. 2nd round auditions are coming up, so I have a chance to do better this next time.

 

Overall I’m pretty disappointed in my Feb. goals. I accomplished a lot in Feb., including good grades and running things and more freedom from ED and becoming a better person and a stronger leader through the Snowball program I led. I think these things got in the way of my “Official” goals, and I think that’s okay! Buuuut I still plan to do a little better in March. Smile

 

My goals for March:

1. Break 7:30 in the mile. I broke 8:00 in the 2 mile… I’m secretly hoping to break 7 though!! Hopefully I run a mile race soon. Smile

picture of my feet because why not.

2. Actually go to that Yoga class…. Finally!! Or any other yoga class. No excuses this time.

P.S. I am totally crushing on Liz’s yoga pictures on instagram. @carpediemandrun

3. Focus on loving myself. This means less calorie counting, more acceptance, making sleep a higher priority, and practicing yoga!

Cheesy awkward selfie. oh jeez.

 

What are your goals for this month?

Red heartEmily