The other side: Binging during Recovery

Hello everyone. Happy Tuesday!! Smile

I know this is supposed to be a running blog and stuff, but it’s my blog and my rules! Right now I am blogging about recovery.

Today I am going to discuss the biggest problem of my recovery journey so far. Binging.

Over the past few weeks, I have been following my meal plan almost perfectly, challenging myself and doing my best not to restrict.

I have finally gotten to a point where I do not count calories. Sometimes I add things up out of habit, but I don’t even know what my intake looks like on an average day.

Sometimes I get the urge to eat and never stop eating.

I’m hungry and food doesn’t fix the hunger.

It’s the scariest feeling in the whole world. It’s exactly what I am afraid of. Total loss of control.

It’s secretive. But the more I have talked about it- with my mom, the dietitian, etc, the less it happens.

I binge when I am alone and anxious. This can be triggered by many different things. Mostly feelings of loneliness.

I am slowly learning to let go. I can calm myself down and not go completely crazy during a binge. Today after breakfast I had a small bag of chocolate covered pretzels and two servings of PB2.

I stopped myself. Yeah, I ate a lot, but I was able to calm myself down enough to stop.

This post explains things http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/10/31/bingeing-is-not-bingeing.html

I don’t know how much of it is completely true, but I do know that I need to forgive myself in order to move past this.

Maybe the “Binge” this morning wasn’t really a binge at all. Maybe it’s just my body trying to fix itself.

 

I told my coach that I have an eating disorder. He talked to me for a while. Then he gave me a big hug. I was terrified of telling him, but I now am so relieved to know he is going to help.

Tomorrow’s the endocrinologist appointment. Wish me luck! I will find out what running I am allowed to do this summer. Crossing my fingers!!

 

Do you have any experience with binge eating?

I need advice for the mornings or afternoons I am alone in the house in the kitchen. Do you eat with the TV on? (This seems to be a trigger for me and binging) Do you read instead? (Also seems like a trigger..) or do you just eat without any kind of distraction?

 

Red heartEmily

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Thursday Thoughts.

This post may be kinda all over the place.. Smile Please forgive me!

 

First, I’m just going to put this out there.

Andrew & I are taking a break. We have been for about a month now. We are broken up, I guess, officially, after 3 and a half years of being together. It was a mutual agreement. We just decided we didn’t want the stress of a relationship anymore. We still have been talking, and we don’t have any grudges. It’s just a life change. I’m independent for the first time in a long time and… it doesn’t feel that different. I guess that shows that the relationship needed to end. It’s a change, but I’m okay. It’s better this way.

One more thing- I decided not to do marching band this year. I had too much on my plate. I finally decided that putting my mental health first was my priority. I will miss marching band, but I need down time in my life to function and to be happy.

 

I am running again, after a month off! Summer running started Monday. Man, my body needs time to adjust to the humidity. It’s been a rough couple of days.

BUUUTTT today we had the mile threshold test. I didn’t PR, but we weren’t expected to (nobody did!). However, I did finish the mile in 7:10, running faster than girls who have PRs under 6:30!!

Food is making me stronger, now slower. I needed to see this.

I am so thankful for the amazing team I have. Both my therapist and my dietitian have really helped me. I had no idea I could be this much better. Last night, my dietitian talked with me on the phone for over an hour. I am so blessed!!

Question- How do you know when your running shoes are worn out? I think I may need new ones, but I didn’t track miles on mine.

 

What changes have you made in your life lately?

What quotes keep you going?

How do you prioritize your happiness?

Red heartEmily

Scales are for Fishes

Daily reason to recover: For my amazing Aunt Kathie.

Current Phone Background:

 

 

@Webiteback has been my biggest motivator lately. I love the little sayings. This one is especially relevant in my life right now.

Side note: I find it really weird that people, myself included personify their eating disorder. Why do I do this? It’s not my original idea, but part of the culture of recovery. It truly does help to separate myself from my eating disordered thoughts. I don’t have a split personality, it just helps me to create a clear distinction between who I am and my feelings and the eating disorder I am facing.

Potential TW, I discuss calorie consumption in this post.

 

XXX pounds is where it started.

 

Getting to XXX, goal weight #1, was easy.  A few healthy swaps. No sacrificing dessert. More veggies. More running.

 

XXX to XXX was a long journey. This is where things went wrong. I started cutting things out of my diet, drastically. I did gluten free and dabbed in paleo and did the 21 day sugar detox. I gained weight, lost it, and gained again. I discovered that MyFitnessPal could make this easy. Calories in, calories out. I start counting calories. The number I let myself hit goes down to 1200.

XXX was the next goal weight. People started to get nervous. I saw a dietitian. I opened up. She wasn’t much help, and didn’t recognize my eating disorder. She even further pushed me into the disorder by suggesting my blood sugars weren’t good enough and the protein bars I ate had too much added sugar. She just wanted me to add healthy fats like “eating a spoonful of coconut oil”. She told me I looked too thin. Then she told me I looked better after a week, even though I had lost weight. She made me swap my whey protein with vegan alternatives. Now my chocolate protein powder tastes like peas.

At this point I started eating over 1,500 calories a day. Sometimes I would hit 1,800! My dietitian had helped temporarily.

 

Then I went on vacation. I ate like a pretty normal, healthy person. I had Ted Drews frozen custard (kids size, but still!) snacked on peanuts and split a steak. It was delicious. I felt normal. Guilt was there, yes, but I felt normal. It was around this time that I broke 7:00 in the mile. I was doing pretty good.

 

Suddenly it all came crashing down. I can’t say what happened. I just became consumed with my disordered thoughts. My life’s purpose became not to eat. I wouldn’t eat above 1,000 calories a day. I would skip whatever meals I could. Some days I ate 800 calories. Some days it was 600, or 400, 250. At this point I was running an average of 4 miles a day, with speedwork some days and weight lifting some days. Running was my outlet. I didn’t have to worry about food for those 40 minutes. It was amazing. I felt slow and exhausted, but I still did it, not because I had to but because I wanted to.

 

At this point I pushed away a lot of friends. I won’t go into details about that today.

 

I knew I wasn’t fat. I knew I was losing weight. I knew my weight was low and I wasn’t allowed to lose any more. But I had to. I can’t describe it. Some days, I still feel like this, to be totally honest.

 

When I first started recovery I didn’t think I deserved it because my weight wasn’t yet in the double digits. I weighed XXX pounds. As of two weeks ago, I was in the double digits. XX.

And it hit me.

It will never be good enough.

It will always be “too much”. Too many calories eaten, too many pounds. I can’t win when ED controls my brain like this.

Nobody cares about these numbers except ED. So I deleted them from this post. They are irrelevant.

 

My mom took away my scale. (actually a wii fit since we don’t own a scale..) It’s time to let go and trust the process.

 

Yesterday I felt like myself for the first time in months. What I ate doesn’t really matter, but I ate a LOT. I ate carbs and fat like a NORMAL PERSON. I struggled with guilt but it was delicious. I let myself enjoy it.  My aunt is here from California and she has been so supportive thus far. I am so thankful for her. She gave me strength to power through yesterday.

 

I’m going to fight to make this week a good one, just like yesterday. Thanks for reading. Please don’t feel obligated to comment- I’m blogging for my personal therapy- but I love hearing from you if you have any advice or stories to share!! ❤

 

Red heartEmily

 

Pictures from Pinterest