The other side: Binging during Recovery

Hello everyone. Happy Tuesday!! Smile

I know this is supposed to be a running blog and stuff, but it’s my blog and my rules! Right now I am blogging about recovery.

Today I am going to discuss the biggest problem of my recovery journey so far. Binging.

Over the past few weeks, I have been following my meal plan almost perfectly, challenging myself and doing my best not to restrict.

I have finally gotten to a point where I do not count calories. Sometimes I add things up out of habit, but I don’t even know what my intake looks like on an average day.

Sometimes I get the urge to eat and never stop eating.

I’m hungry and food doesn’t fix the hunger.

It’s the scariest feeling in the whole world. It’s exactly what I am afraid of. Total loss of control.

It’s secretive. But the more I have talked about it- with my mom, the dietitian, etc, the less it happens.

I binge when I am alone and anxious. This can be triggered by many different things. Mostly feelings of loneliness.

I am slowly learning to let go. I can calm myself down and not go completely crazy during a binge. Today after breakfast I had a small bag of chocolate covered pretzels and two servings of PB2.

I stopped myself. Yeah, I ate a lot, but I was able to calm myself down enough to stop.

This post explains things http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/10/31/bingeing-is-not-bingeing.html

I don’t know how much of it is completely true, but I do know that I need to forgive myself in order to move past this.

Maybe the “Binge” this morning wasn’t really a binge at all. Maybe it’s just my body trying to fix itself.

 

I told my coach that I have an eating disorder. He talked to me for a while. Then he gave me a big hug. I was terrified of telling him, but I now am so relieved to know he is going to help.

Tomorrow’s the endocrinologist appointment. Wish me luck! I will find out what running I am allowed to do this summer. Crossing my fingers!!

 

Do you have any experience with binge eating?

I need advice for the mornings or afternoons I am alone in the house in the kitchen. Do you eat with the TV on? (This seems to be a trigger for me and binging) Do you read instead? (Also seems like a trigger..) or do you just eat without any kind of distraction?

 

Red heartEmily

Scales are for Fishes

Daily reason to recover: For my amazing Aunt Kathie.

Current Phone Background:

 

 

@Webiteback has been my biggest motivator lately. I love the little sayings. This one is especially relevant in my life right now.

Side note: I find it really weird that people, myself included personify their eating disorder. Why do I do this? It’s not my original idea, but part of the culture of recovery. It truly does help to separate myself from my eating disordered thoughts. I don’t have a split personality, it just helps me to create a clear distinction between who I am and my feelings and the eating disorder I am facing.

Potential TW, I discuss calorie consumption in this post.

 

XXX pounds is where it started.

 

Getting to XXX, goal weight #1, was easy.  A few healthy swaps. No sacrificing dessert. More veggies. More running.

 

XXX to XXX was a long journey. This is where things went wrong. I started cutting things out of my diet, drastically. I did gluten free and dabbed in paleo and did the 21 day sugar detox. I gained weight, lost it, and gained again. I discovered that MyFitnessPal could make this easy. Calories in, calories out. I start counting calories. The number I let myself hit goes down to 1200.

XXX was the next goal weight. People started to get nervous. I saw a dietitian. I opened up. She wasn’t much help, and didn’t recognize my eating disorder. She even further pushed me into the disorder by suggesting my blood sugars weren’t good enough and the protein bars I ate had too much added sugar. She just wanted me to add healthy fats like “eating a spoonful of coconut oil”. She told me I looked too thin. Then she told me I looked better after a week, even though I had lost weight. She made me swap my whey protein with vegan alternatives. Now my chocolate protein powder tastes like peas.

At this point I started eating over 1,500 calories a day. Sometimes I would hit 1,800! My dietitian had helped temporarily.

 

Then I went on vacation. I ate like a pretty normal, healthy person. I had Ted Drews frozen custard (kids size, but still!) snacked on peanuts and split a steak. It was delicious. I felt normal. Guilt was there, yes, but I felt normal. It was around this time that I broke 7:00 in the mile. I was doing pretty good.

 

Suddenly it all came crashing down. I can’t say what happened. I just became consumed with my disordered thoughts. My life’s purpose became not to eat. I wouldn’t eat above 1,000 calories a day. I would skip whatever meals I could. Some days I ate 800 calories. Some days it was 600, or 400, 250. At this point I was running an average of 4 miles a day, with speedwork some days and weight lifting some days. Running was my outlet. I didn’t have to worry about food for those 40 minutes. It was amazing. I felt slow and exhausted, but I still did it, not because I had to but because I wanted to.

 

At this point I pushed away a lot of friends. I won’t go into details about that today.

 

I knew I wasn’t fat. I knew I was losing weight. I knew my weight was low and I wasn’t allowed to lose any more. But I had to. I can’t describe it. Some days, I still feel like this, to be totally honest.

 

When I first started recovery I didn’t think I deserved it because my weight wasn’t yet in the double digits. I weighed XXX pounds. As of two weeks ago, I was in the double digits. XX.

And it hit me.

It will never be good enough.

It will always be “too much”. Too many calories eaten, too many pounds. I can’t win when ED controls my brain like this.

Nobody cares about these numbers except ED. So I deleted them from this post. They are irrelevant.

 

My mom took away my scale. (actually a wii fit since we don’t own a scale..) It’s time to let go and trust the process.

 

Yesterday I felt like myself for the first time in months. What I ate doesn’t really matter, but I ate a LOT. I ate carbs and fat like a NORMAL PERSON. I struggled with guilt but it was delicious. I let myself enjoy it.  My aunt is here from California and she has been so supportive thus far. I am so thankful for her. She gave me strength to power through yesterday.

 

I’m going to fight to make this week a good one, just like yesterday. Thanks for reading. Please don’t feel obligated to comment- I’m blogging for my personal therapy- but I love hearing from you if you have any advice or stories to share!! ❤

 

Red heartEmily

 

Pictures from Pinterest

New Beginnings.

TW: I talk about ED & numbers in this post.

Lately, I have been busy.

My last post was in April.

Why have I been so busy?
Well, first of all, I got a job at a Frozen Yogurt shop.

Obviously school is always busy especially when combined with track.

Yeah, I had AP tests last week.

I turned seventeen.

But these are just little things. The reason I have REALLY been busy?

I’ve been busy counting every calorie I eat. Myfitnesspal is probably the most used app on my iphone.

 

I’ve been busy planning and criticizing and worrying about what to eat and when to eat it and exactly how much to eat.

I’ve been stepping on the scale and trying to figure out the next trick I can use to lower the number. Double digits. Double digits.

I’ve been stalking recovery instagrams just looking at all the food that people can eat. But not me. Other people. I find joy in other people’s food.

I’ve been eating mints and chewing gum. Lots of it.

I’ve been following rules.

I’ve been pushing off meals. Breakfast? Let me get some stuff done first. Oh, now it’s late, I might as well wait for lunch. Or let me use the computer at lunch and eat my lunch as an afternoon snack. Or a dinner. And meals? Not balanced. At all. Healthy fats are nonexistent. Do you even know how many calories are in that?

I’ve been lowering my insulin so that my blood sugar doesn’t dip. I can manipulate the system. Diabetes is the perfect excuse to not eat anything.

I’ve been struggling. I’ve fallen deep into the traps of an eating disorder. I knew it. I know it. But I was too scared to really ask for any help.

Finally after a few doctor’s suggestions and breaking down in front of my mom, she called a dietitian and a therapist.

I’ve seen the dietitian twice now and I’m in the process of finding a counselor I like.

The dietitian says I can either work with her or I can choose inpatient (or some kind of intensive program).

I don’t want to keep living this “life.” It’s not life if you have pushed all your friends away, find yourself worried about everything, and feel isolated and depressed. I don’t want this.

 

This terrifies me. I can’t believe I’m one of “those girls.” I can’t REALLY be anorexic if I haven’t ever fasted and I eat at least 400 calories every day and I still weigh over 100 pounds and sometimes I eat samples of yogurt at work. Anorexics count the calories in vitamins. I don’t do that.

I need to accept that I am struggling with anorexia. I need to accept that at 5’6”, I cannot weigh under 100 pounds. I need to accept that I can choose recovery even if I never got to that magic 99 number. I need to accept that this is what’s best for me. I need to be strong. I need to choose recovery. Today I choose recovery for my mom.

 

On instagram (@smilemilegirl or #emsrecovery), I shared that I started recovery on 4/29/14. I feel like I am starting today as well. One step forward two steps back, but slowly and surely I will get there. Thank you for reading. In the coming weeks I will be trying my best to blog about recovery. Wish me luck.

 

Red heartEmily

Just another label.

Today I was 100% honest with myself and with the professionals I talked to. Today I was diagnosed with anorexia.

I’m going to start fresh. I’m going to challenge myself to eat foods I’m afraid of. I want to dig myself out of this hole before I fall any further.

The dietitian is worried I have female athlete triad. We will see when I get my blood work done.

I just wanted to be healthy. Somehow it spiraled out of control. Healthy can include desserts (not just an occasional healthy one I have carefully calculated the calories for). So this is my fresh start. I’m going to find that balance.

What else did I do today? I had a beautiful 6ish mile long run this morning. Weather in the 30’s?? Yes please. 20s are too cold. 30s feel comfortable. Smile

I also got to go shopping with my dad and my sister. I hadn’t seen my dad for two weeks so it was pretty nice. He brought me my favorite magazine!! Open-mouthed smile

That’s all for today. I just had to get that off my chest.

 

Red heartEmily