The other side: Binging during Recovery

Hello everyone. Happy Tuesday!! Smile

I know this is supposed to be a running blog and stuff, but it’s my blog and my rules! Right now I am blogging about recovery.

Today I am going to discuss the biggest problem of my recovery journey so far. Binging.

Over the past few weeks, I have been following my meal plan almost perfectly, challenging myself and doing my best not to restrict.

I have finally gotten to a point where I do not count calories. Sometimes I add things up out of habit, but I don’t even know what my intake looks like on an average day.

Sometimes I get the urge to eat and never stop eating.

I’m hungry and food doesn’t fix the hunger.

It’s the scariest feeling in the whole world. It’s exactly what I am afraid of. Total loss of control.

It’s secretive. But the more I have talked about it- with my mom, the dietitian, etc, the less it happens.

I binge when I am alone and anxious. This can be triggered by many different things. Mostly feelings of loneliness.

I am slowly learning to let go. I can calm myself down and not go completely crazy during a binge. Today after breakfast I had a small bag of chocolate covered pretzels and two servings of PB2.

I stopped myself. Yeah, I ate a lot, but I was able to calm myself down enough to stop.

This post explains things http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/10/31/bingeing-is-not-bingeing.html

I don’t know how much of it is completely true, but I do know that I need to forgive myself in order to move past this.

Maybe the “Binge” this morning wasn’t really a binge at all. Maybe it’s just my body trying to fix itself.

 

I told my coach that I have an eating disorder. He talked to me for a while. Then he gave me a big hug. I was terrified of telling him, but I now am so relieved to know he is going to help.

Tomorrow’s the endocrinologist appointment. Wish me luck! I will find out what running I am allowed to do this summer. Crossing my fingers!!

 

Do you have any experience with binge eating?

I need advice for the mornings or afternoons I am alone in the house in the kitchen. Do you eat with the TV on? (This seems to be a trigger for me and binging) Do you read instead? (Also seems like a trigger..) or do you just eat without any kind of distraction?

 

Red heartEmily

The one that’s hard to write.

Wow. I looked at my blog today and realized it’s been a full week since I posted anything. How did that happen??
Happy Monday blogging family!
I had such a busy week.

Wednesday I went to the city with two friends and Andrew. We were supposed to go to Ohio Street Beach but then this happened…

It’s the middle of July in Chicago.

It ended up being the coldest day of the summer. Literally. 

We decided to go to Dick’s Last Resort and just walk around instead.
For those of you that don’t live near Chicago, Dick’s is one of those restaurants where the waiters are rude to you on purpose. It can be a little inappropriate for younger kids, but it’s a lot of fun if you don’t take anything too seriously (;

Part of the fun is the hilarious “hats”. I don’t really have a rash, I promise.

We walked to Water Tower Place and did what all cool teenagers do: Played with Legos.

Like my best friend’s tan? Lifeguard probs.

By the river! I was totally freezing.
Ah. That picture. To you it may just be a cute picture of us, but to me it really hurts. Here’s where this post takes a bit of an unexpected turn. Let’s venture into self esteem body eating disorder land. 
When I was younger, my parents fed me really healthy food. I had all my fruits and vegetables, and rarely ate packaged foods. My mom doesn’t “do” Organic, but she always fed us plenty of “real” foods. I only had desserts on “dessert nights” (friday, saturday, and sunday) and my desserts were definitely portion controlled. I was a really lean, healthy kid. Pretty perfect childhood, actually, as far as health goes.
Then middle school came and I had the ability to buy zebra cakes at lunch. This became almost a daily thing. But I was about 100 pounds so it didn’t really matter. 
Then, right after my 13th birthday, I was diagnosed with diabetes. In short, my father screamed at me, right after my diagnosis, telling me it was all my fault because I ate so much shit. 
My sister hated me, thinking she would never be able to eat “normal” foods ever again. 
None of that ended up being true. There was nothing I could have done to prevent getting Type 1 diabetes. It was DEFINITELY not caused by my diet. My sister could eat normal foods. So could I for that matter.
I just tried to stay happy. I saw the positive in every way I could. “Well, this is something that is going to make me stronger” “This makes me unique” “My vision cleared up for two weeks!” “At least it’s me, not my sister. I used to enjoy getting shots (because of the cool band-aids, duh) and she had panic attacks at the Dr.’s office”. 
For the most part, I was okay. There were some comments at school that left me crying in the bathroom instead of in Algebra, but I really was okay. 
What wasn’t okay was my relationship with food. I was suddenly forced into eating lots of healthy, low carb foods. I didn’t eat pizza or cupcakes (hard to count carbs for). At first, it was fine. 
Then I slowly realized that diabetes didn’t mean I couldn’t eat like a normal person. 
This was the start of my binge eating disorder. 
I dealt with stress by eating “bad” foods that tasted so good. Cookies. My absolute weakness are those packages of Keebler cookies. Like the fudge stripe ones? 
I would come home from school and eat half, if not more, of a package of these. Or whatever crap was lying around the house. Obviously this wasn’t every day, but it was a lot of days. I justified it with anything. I was sad? Food. Stressed? Food. Celebrating something? Food. The first two years of high school were the worst. They sell Zebra cakes in high school too. 
I watched the number on the scale creep up. My size zero jeans got too tight, then my 1/2s, then my 3/4s… I had made a promise with myself that if that scale said anything above 120, I would lose weight. I didn’t keep that promise. I waited until it said 130 until I actually made changes to my health.
I didn’t wake up one day and decide I needed to stop fueling my body with crap and start treating my body with respect. I did, however, wake up and decide I wanted to run
It started when I asked my dad to join him on his morning health club visits. I completed the Couch to 5k program. I was hooked. Obviously (I mean look at this blog…) I love running! 
Nutrition came second to running. Slowly I made active changes in my diet in order to improve my running. I know that healthy weight loss does and will make me a faster runner. It also makes me a happy, healthier person. 
I had missed so much school this past year because I was constantly, constantly sick. Infection after infection. I have no proof, but I believe it was all caused by the lack of nutrients from a nutritious diet. 
It’s been months since I’ve had a true binge. I am so proud of that, you really have no idea. I am fixing my relationship with food one day at a time
I say a “true” binge, because I have had setbacks! I still eat ice cream, sometimes a little more than I should. I have trouble controlling my portion or what I’m eating when my blood sugar is low- but that’s because my brain isn’t working properly. At camp this year, I definitely ate terribly, but not to the point where I felt so sick like I used to.
So what did I do? I added fruits and vegetables. I read blogs and follow instagrams and I am inspired. I choose the healthier option, when there is a choice. 
I stopped eating my “trigger foods”, such as anything Little Debbie, packages of cookies, and most cereals. When I have them, it never goes well, and I’ve found that it’s easier for me just to cut these foods out. 
I still enjoy treats like ice cream and homemade goodies. I don’t eat much LESS, I just eat smarter. 
This is how I was able to conquer my terrible relationship with food. Oh it’s far from perfect. But it’s so much better. 
And now I’m trying to lose some of the pounds that I put on in the past year. I know it’s tricky for a teenager to write these things so publicly. I don’t want it to be taken the wrong way. I am doing it the healthy way. I never EVER go under 1,300 calories (what my body needs just to function) and I listen to what my body tells me the best I can. This means I’m not dropping pounds very quickly at all. This means some days I weigh more than others and that’s okay. I’m not going to get caught up in a number on the scale! I know muscle weighs more than fat. I’m just hoping to nourish my body better so that I can feel more confident in my skin. So far, I’ve been doing pretty good. I posted a progress pic on my Instagram @emilysmilesformiles. I’ve lost ~4/5 pounds so far, with lots of setbacks along the way. We will see what the future holds for me and my health (:
I think this is the longest post I’ve ever written. Hope I didn’t lose you… I am not trying to get any sympathy, or anything like that, I am merely sharing my story. If any of you are looking to clean up your diets, I’d love to hear about it!! (: 
What’s YOUR story? I’d love to hear it (or get links to your posts!) in the comments below. (: