Scales are for Fishes

Daily reason to recover: For my amazing Aunt Kathie.

Current Phone Background:

 

 

@Webiteback has been my biggest motivator lately. I love the little sayings. This one is especially relevant in my life right now.

Side note: I find it really weird that people, myself included personify their eating disorder. Why do I do this? It’s not my original idea, but part of the culture of recovery. It truly does help to separate myself from my eating disordered thoughts. I don’t have a split personality, it just helps me to create a clear distinction between who I am and my feelings and the eating disorder I am facing.

Potential TW, I discuss calorie consumption in this post.

 

XXX pounds is where it started.

 

Getting to XXX, goal weight #1, was easy.  A few healthy swaps. No sacrificing dessert. More veggies. More running.

 

XXX to XXX was a long journey. This is where things went wrong. I started cutting things out of my diet, drastically. I did gluten free and dabbed in paleo and did the 21 day sugar detox. I gained weight, lost it, and gained again. I discovered that MyFitnessPal could make this easy. Calories in, calories out. I start counting calories. The number I let myself hit goes down to 1200.

XXX was the next goal weight. People started to get nervous. I saw a dietitian. I opened up. She wasn’t much help, and didn’t recognize my eating disorder. She even further pushed me into the disorder by suggesting my blood sugars weren’t good enough and the protein bars I ate had too much added sugar. She just wanted me to add healthy fats like “eating a spoonful of coconut oil”. She told me I looked too thin. Then she told me I looked better after a week, even though I had lost weight. She made me swap my whey protein with vegan alternatives. Now my chocolate protein powder tastes like peas.

At this point I started eating over 1,500 calories a day. Sometimes I would hit 1,800! My dietitian had helped temporarily.

 

Then I went on vacation. I ate like a pretty normal, healthy person. I had Ted Drews frozen custard (kids size, but still!) snacked on peanuts and split a steak. It was delicious. I felt normal. Guilt was there, yes, but I felt normal. It was around this time that I broke 7:00 in the mile. I was doing pretty good.

 

Suddenly it all came crashing down. I can’t say what happened. I just became consumed with my disordered thoughts. My life’s purpose became not to eat. I wouldn’t eat above 1,000 calories a day. I would skip whatever meals I could. Some days I ate 800 calories. Some days it was 600, or 400, 250. At this point I was running an average of 4 miles a day, with speedwork some days and weight lifting some days. Running was my outlet. I didn’t have to worry about food for those 40 minutes. It was amazing. I felt slow and exhausted, but I still did it, not because I had to but because I wanted to.

 

At this point I pushed away a lot of friends. I won’t go into details about that today.

 

I knew I wasn’t fat. I knew I was losing weight. I knew my weight was low and I wasn’t allowed to lose any more. But I had to. I can’t describe it. Some days, I still feel like this, to be totally honest.

 

When I first started recovery I didn’t think I deserved it because my weight wasn’t yet in the double digits. I weighed XXX pounds. As of two weeks ago, I was in the double digits. XX.

And it hit me.

It will never be good enough.

It will always be “too much”. Too many calories eaten, too many pounds. I can’t win when ED controls my brain like this.

Nobody cares about these numbers except ED. So I deleted them from this post. They are irrelevant.

 

My mom took away my scale. (actually a wii fit since we don’t own a scale..) It’s time to let go and trust the process.

 

Yesterday I felt like myself for the first time in months. What I ate doesn’t really matter, but I ate a LOT. I ate carbs and fat like a NORMAL PERSON. I struggled with guilt but it was delicious. I let myself enjoy it.  My aunt is here from California and she has been so supportive thus far. I am so thankful for her. She gave me strength to power through yesterday.

 

I’m going to fight to make this week a good one, just like yesterday. Thanks for reading. Please don’t feel obligated to comment- I’m blogging for my personal therapy- but I love hearing from you if you have any advice or stories to share!! ❤

 

Red heartEmily

 

Pictures from Pinterest

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Scales are for Fishes

  1. I’m so glad you posted because I was just thinking about you and was going to email you (I still might!). I’m sorry things got so bad, but I have all the confidence in the world that you are strong enough to beat this! Stay strong!

  2. That is so awesome that you took the jump and got rid of the scale!!! Honestly, that was one of the best things for my recovery. I promise it is so much more helpful NOT to look at the number than you can ever imagine. I hate the scale to this day!

    You are so strong – recovery has its ups and downs (in fact, many of them), but what makes a a difference is pushing through those thoughts and fears, and saying, “I WANT to live!!” And you’re doing just that.

    Weight is just a sense of control, nothing more. But now you are the one in control. And you can do this. Feel free to email me any time, girl! You are awesome!

  3. EMILY YOU ARE AMAZING! I so know how hard this is to do, but the fact that you a) CAN do it and b) recognize how hard it is and still OWN that bastard ED is so incredible. And then, on the days that you struggle, you can look back on this epic display of strength and remember that you are ALWAYS worth it. ❤

  4. I love love love this ❤ ❤ you are so inspiring Emily! Choosing recovery is a huge step in itself. I totally know what you mean about some of those thoughts. Sometimes an ED isn't just about wanting to be "skinny", it's about wanting to have control over something. Please feel free to get in touch. I would be so happy and honored to help! ❤ ❤

  5. Aw Emily you don’t know how happy I am for you! Fight that silly voice in your head that tells you you’re not worth it. You are SO worth recovery, and you WILL beat this. I love you with my whole heart and am sending you love and happiness and strength. You are so brave girl! If you ever need ANYTHING, please talk to me! I love seeing your progress xx

  6. So I just dropped by through Lifesarunner..I just wanted to echo everyones encouragement and cheer you on 🙂 . The most difficult part is pushing through; from then on it gets better. Rock on girl 🙂 !

  7. So glad yesterday was a good one!! One day at a time girl!! you’ve got this! So glad that your aunt can be there for you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s