TW: I talk about ED & numbers in this post.
Lately, I have been busy.
My last post was in April.
Why have I been so busy?
Well, first of all, I got a job at a Frozen Yogurt shop.
Obviously school is always busy especially when combined with track.
Yeah, I had AP tests last week.
I turned seventeen.
But these are just little things. The reason I have REALLY been busy?
I’ve been busy counting every calorie I eat. Myfitnesspal is probably the most used app on my iphone.
I’ve been busy planning and criticizing and worrying about what to eat and when to eat it and exactly how much to eat.
I’ve been stepping on the scale and trying to figure out the next trick I can use to lower the number. Double digits. Double digits.
I’ve been stalking recovery instagrams just looking at all the food that people can eat. But not me. Other people. I find joy in other people’s food.
I’ve been eating mints and chewing gum. Lots of it.
I’ve been following rules.
I’ve been pushing off meals. Breakfast? Let me get some stuff done first. Oh, now it’s late, I might as well wait for lunch. Or let me use the computer at lunch and eat my lunch as an afternoon snack. Or a dinner. And meals? Not balanced. At all. Healthy fats are nonexistent. Do you even know how many calories are in that?
I’ve been lowering my insulin so that my blood sugar doesn’t dip. I can manipulate the system. Diabetes is the perfect excuse to not eat anything.
I’ve been struggling. I’ve fallen deep into the traps of an eating disorder. I knew it. I know it. But I was too scared to really ask for any help.
Finally after a few doctor’s suggestions and breaking down in front of my mom, she called a dietitian and a therapist.
I’ve seen the dietitian twice now and I’m in the process of finding a counselor I like.
The dietitian says I can either work with her or I can choose inpatient (or some kind of intensive program).
I don’t want to keep living this “life.” It’s not life if you have pushed all your friends away, find yourself worried about everything, and feel isolated and depressed. I don’t want this.
This terrifies me. I can’t believe I’m one of “those girls.” I can’t REALLY be anorexic if I haven’t ever fasted and I eat at least 400 calories every day and I still weigh over 100 pounds and sometimes I eat samples of yogurt at work. Anorexics count the calories in vitamins. I don’t do that.
I need to accept that I am struggling with anorexia. I need to accept that at 5’6”, I cannot weigh under 100 pounds. I need to accept that I can choose recovery even if I never got to that magic 99 number. I need to accept that this is what’s best for me. I need to be strong. I need to choose recovery. Today I choose recovery for my mom.
On instagram (@smilemilegirl or #emsrecovery), I shared that I started recovery on 4/29/14. I feel like I am starting today as well. One step forward two steps back, but slowly and surely I will get there. Thank you for reading. In the coming weeks I will be trying my best to blog about recovery. Wish me luck.