Hello all! I hope you are enjoying your break (:
Tomorrow I leave for New Orleans with the marching band. I can’t wait to escape this Chicago weather and have some fun down there. I’ve never been to New Orleans!
*This post may be triggering if you have suffered from an eating disorder in the past. Please don’t continue reading if you are concerned.
Today is kind of an emotional dump day. I’m going to talk about something that’s been on my mind recently. I would really appreciate comments and input because I am feeling a little bit alone about this. This post is going to be kind of all over the place, so bear with me!
I went to see a nutritionist with my dad. I had seen her two years ago but I found the changes she wanted too difficult and my parents were fighting so we stopped seeing her. She is a very nice woman, but she is foreign and can be a little hard to understand and a little extreme.
When I went for my appointment she told me I looked small and weak. She said she was worried I have an eating disorder and asked me questions like if I was intentionally losing weight. I’m ashamed to say that I lied. I said I didn’t mean to lose weight but I did mean to lose weight. I also told her I lost less weight than I really did. I started my fitness journey at a weight of 130 (I’m 5′ 5.5″) and I’m around 110 now. I told her I had only lost 10 or 15. I was sitting right next to my dad and my grades and college choices and blood sugars already aren’t good enough for my dad. I didn’t want my weight to be added to that list.
She told me I could email her if I want to talk about eating and such. Then she pretty much told me my blood sugars weren’t good enough and I need to eat more grains and less sugar. She doesn’t want me to eat any granola bars or sweeteners or fruits or even dates or my whey protein powder. Instead I am supposed to eat more healthy fats and grains. So nuts and quinoa and rice and such.
Well then there was Christmas and I had to eat unhealthily and ate cookies and my blood sugars were out of control. Then I somehow ended up with insulin that had gone bad and my blood sugars were worse. I’m terrified to step on the scale after everything I’ve eaten.
I guess I’m just confused. When does a desire to be healthy and lose weight and look good and feel good become a disorder? I worry about it a lot, but I eat three whole meals and snacks every day. I even eat a little bit of chocolate sometimes or a cookie. Sometimes I don’t even feel guilty about it.
I’m at a healthy weight for my age. I’ve done the BMI calculator. I probably haven’t lost any more weight since I had Christmas and I’ve been eating more junk food because I’ve had to.
I don’t know if I should email her. I don’t know what I would tell her if I email her. I don’t even know if I can follow the plan of what she wants me to eat. Its hard to avoid all sweeteners and stuff. I mean she doesn’t even want me to eat Lara bars.
I count calories and I know she would get upset if she knew that but I honestly need to so I know that I’m eating the right amount. You know how some people just know when they are full? I don’t have that. I stop eating because I feel like I have eaten enough, not because I’m full. An old lifestyle of binging ruined that for me.
She is the only person who has told me I need to stop losing weight. Nobody else has noticed. My endocrinologist didn’t care about my weight at all. I mean my mom told me I have to stop losing weight but that was just a joke because she doesn’t want to buy me clothes. I’ve only had 2 other people comment on my weight loss.
I don’t know what to do here. Thanks for letting me open up and I will be looking forward to your comments. I just needed a safe place to let out what has been bothering me. Maybe someone can help me find a healthy ‘place’ with food.