That confused, emotional post

Hello all! I hope you are enjoying your break (:

Tomorrow I leave for New Orleans with the marching band. I can’t wait to escape this Chicago weather and have some fun down there. I’ve never been to New Orleans!

*This post may be triggering if you have suffered from an eating disorder in the past. Please don’t continue reading if you are concerned.

Today is kind of an emotional dump day. I’m going to talk about something that’s been on my mind recently. I would really appreciate comments and input because I am feeling a little bit alone about this. This post is going to be kind of all over the place, so bear with me!

I went to see a nutritionist with my dad. I had seen her two years ago but I found the changes she wanted too difficult and my parents were fighting so we stopped seeing her. She is a very nice woman, but she is foreign and can be a little hard to understand and a little extreme.

When I went for my appointment she told me I looked small and weak. She said she was worried I have an eating disorder and asked me questions like if I was intentionally losing weight. I’m ashamed to say that I lied. I said I didn’t mean to lose weight but I did mean to lose weight. I also told her I lost less weight than I really did. I started my fitness journey at a weight of 130 (I’m 5′ 5.5″) and I’m around 110 now. I told her I had only lost 10 or 15. I was sitting right next to my dad and my grades and college choices and blood sugars already aren’t good enough for my dad. I didn’t want my weight to be added to that list.

She told me I could email her if I want to talk about eating and such. Then she pretty much told me my blood sugars weren’t good enough and I need to eat more grains and less sugar. She doesn’t want me to eat any granola bars or sweeteners or fruits or even dates or my whey protein powder. Instead I am supposed to eat more healthy fats and grains. So nuts and quinoa and rice and such.

Well then there was Christmas and I had to eat unhealthily and ate cookies and my blood sugars were out of control. Then I somehow ended up with insulin that had gone bad and my blood sugars were worse. I’m terrified to step on the scale after everything I’ve eaten.

I guess I’m just confused. When does a desire to be healthy and lose weight and look good and feel good become a disorder? I worry about it a lot, but I eat three whole meals and snacks every day. I even eat a little bit of chocolate sometimes or a cookie. Sometimes I don’t even feel guilty about it.

I’m at a healthy weight for my age. I’ve done the BMI calculator. I probably haven’t lost any more weight since I had Christmas and I’ve been eating more junk food because I’ve had to.

I don’t know if I should email her. I don’t know what I would tell her if I email her. I don’t even know if I can follow the plan of what she wants me to eat. Its hard to avoid all sweeteners and stuff. I mean she doesn’t even want me to eat Lara bars.

I count calories and I know she would get upset if she knew that but I honestly need to so I know that I’m eating the right amount. You know how some people just know when they are full? I don’t have that. I stop eating because I feel like I have eaten enough, not because I’m full. An old lifestyle of binging ruined that for me.

She is the only person who has told me I need to stop losing weight. Nobody else has noticed. My endocrinologist didn’t care about my weight at all. I mean my mom told me I have to stop losing weight but that was just a joke because she doesn’t want to buy me clothes. I’ve only had 2 other people comment on my weight loss.

I don’t know what to do here. Thanks for letting me open up and I will be looking forward to your comments. I just needed a safe place to let out what has been bothering me. Maybe someone can help me find a healthy ‘place’ with food.

Love,

Emily

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18 thoughts on “That confused, emotional post

  1. I think you should email her-she’s a professional who can maybe help you figure out some of the confusion. And if it’s not helpful, then you really aren’t forced to do anything she wants you to-so what’s the worst that can happen? I think a large part of eating disorders is your relationship with food and your body-you can be normal weight and have an eating disorder, but you can also lose weight and be under weight without having one. I definitely can’t tell you whether or not you have one-but I think you can’t determine it just based on where you are physically. And in your case-the fact that you have diabetes and somewhat have to eat a certain way makes it even more difficult. I hope you figure things out-if you ever want to talk feel free to email me!

    • Thank you for all your input, I really appreciate it. I’m going to email her or tell her more at our next appointment. You’re definitely right about talking to her, I need to overcome that fear. Thank you so much for your support Aurora!!

  2. First, have an amazing time in New Orleans!!

    Second, I feel you. I struggle too with not knowing how much is too much and being obsessed with looking good. Something I’d recommend is to not weigh yourself. I haven’t since the summer and it works for me! When I see a number higher than I’d thought or even lower, I start to get down on myself. Weight shouldn’t matter… muscle weighs more than fat! I’m the same exact height as you and I would guess I’m around 120. Please please send me an email if you want to talk!!

  3. Thanks for sharing! I totally know how you feel about struggling with finding balance. I lost about 35 lbs over the course of about a year in a half… And finding the place where you no longer try to lose weight is pretty difficult. I am a follower of Jesus Christ and have found that my faith has helped me so much with my eating struggles! I will definitely be praying for you in your healthy eating journey!! If you ever want to talk to anyone who has struggled/ struggles with eating, send me an email! Seriously don’t hesitate! 🙂 I wish you the best!

    • Thank you so much Cailee, I find your blog really inspiring because you lost weight but found a balance. I really hope I can reach that point soon once I talk to the nutritionist more.

  4. I’m really, really sorry you are dealing with this. I think you should definitely email her and let her know what is going on. I’m here if you need to email me (I check it all the time). I’ve gone through very disordered eating before, so I can empathize with how you are feeling. Seriously, email me!

  5. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I feel you. I think you should try e-mailing her. She’s there to help, and if you start talking to her and get uncomfortable, you’re not committed to anything yet. Maybe you could tell her that you’re not comfortable with the meal plan she proposed and see if there’s a way that you could try a meal plan that doesn’t completely cut out sugars. So you could still have a luna bar once a week or something (just an example, I don’t know how often would be good).
    Counting calories is hard. I know that I do sometimes too to make sure that I’m getting enough, but it’s really easy to use something like that as an excuse (even almost unconsciously) to check to make sure you aren’t eating too much (I’m not saying that you do this, I just know that I am guilty of this sometimes!). I think it is important to not count calories as much as possible in order to have a good relationship with food. But it’s hard because it can be a safe thing to hang on to when you’re struggling (at least, I find that sometimes).
    If you want to talk more, you can always e-mail me. 🙂 I hope everything works out for you! ❤
    Have a blast in New Orleans!! I'm going there in about a week too!

    • I think I related 100% to everything you just said. Thank you so much Alex. That counting calories thing? That’s exactly what I do and exactly how I justify it. I think you’re right about telling her that the meal plan isn’t sustainable. I just need to find the courage to email her and do it. Thank you so much for this comment, it means a lot to me.

  6. I really think you should email her lovely! Admitting that you lied is the first MAJOR step though. Coming from a girl who’s gone through a very similar experience, don’t let yourself dig too deep into a hole. I was the queen of excuses, and that’s when I really started a downward spiral. At one point I was 5’9 and 115 and claimed I was perfectly healthy. I lied to everyone so often that I started to truly believe my lies. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely ‘cured’ from these harmful thoughts. To this day I still struggle with wanting to lose weight and food issues, but the best thing I ever did was tell the whole truth to someone I trust. I was so scared of my parents being disappointed in me, that I refused to tell them that something was wrong. When I finally did tell them and got help, it felt like a million pounds was lifted off my shoulders. While 110 pounds is not unhealthy for your height, just make sure you don’t lose anymore! You’re so beautiful, and no one deserves to face problems like eating disorders. If you ever want to chat or just need someone to rant to, PLEASE email me or instagram, twitter, etc! I am more than happy to talk and tell you what I went through! I’m sending tons of happy thoughts and e-hugs your way! I hope you have a marvelous time in New Orleans and can let lose and enjoy yourself!

    • Katherine, thank you so much for the virtual hugs and this amazing comment. I think you know exactly how I feel and that makes me a lot more comfortable emailing her. Thank you for sharing and inspiring me. I really appreciate it Katherine.

  7. You’re already heading in the right direction as it takes a huge amount of bravery to admit this here. I don’t have any experience with this sort of thing so I don’t have any advice for you other than to do what you think is right. You are one brave girl Emily and I truly admire you for it.

    Happy New Year!

  8. I really I wish I had some great advice…but I don’t. I am seriously so so so glad you have talked to someone about this. Like I have said in another comment, it is incredibly brave. I think we all struggle talking about things like this, but you have overcome that. Stay strong girl!

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